I'm applying for a job. No big deal, it's something I can do out of my house, but I'm pretty excited about it.
Except for one thing.
They need a resume.
Remember those? Yes? Then that makes one of us.
I haven't done a resume since 1999, when I got the job out here in The OC.
That was 11 years, a husband and three babies ago.
I was never any good at them anyway. I mean, I never know what to say. We all know I suck at self-promotion (Most astounding blog post EVAH! Read it or die sad and alone!), and putting into words exactly what I did on the job was always tough for me. Don't even get me started on writing a cover letter..
You're supposed to use action words: demonstrate. Generate. Responsible for. Organize.
So I thought for a little warm-up, I'd practice writing the blurb for my current job.
Job title: Mommy
Location: My house, the park, Kindergarten drop-off, doctor's offices, sandbox
Description: Generated three children from conception to birth. Responsible for shaping them into moral, productive members of society, despite limited sleep, patience and caffeine. Show dexterity in wiping up boogers, vomit, poopy butts and partially-chewed sweet potato while holding a baby on my hip. Proven talent in crying copious amounts of tears, both happy and sad. Act as primary chauffer to playdates, school and Target. Plan meals, snacks and grocery list and encourage eating of vegetables. Excel at constant worry. Utilize strong interpersonal skills by cheering, re-directing, scolding, screaming my brains out. Achieve status as top boo-boo kisser and broken-heart mender. Research schools, camps, sports, allergies, doctors, allergy doctors. Manage temper tantrums and sibling smacking fights while loading the dishwasher. Demonstrate ability to love my kids, no matter how much they piss me off.
But wait. There's more. Much, much more.
How can we sum up the most important job on the planet in just one paragraph?
Truth is, we can't. I had a (salaried) career for years before I had children. I have lots of stuff to put on that resume. Though none of them can match what I've learned in the six years I've been a mother.
Of course, we don't need a resume to become one - although some would argue that there are those who should not only provide a resume, but a full background check and proof they will love their child more than themselves. They should also preferably not be 16.
Besides, if we really knew the job requirements - 24-7-365, no vacations, no sick days and - wait for it - NO PAY - we might have run away screaming.
Instead, we signed on.
And, of course, this
Because what else is there that is as fulfilling, as balls-out difficult, as heart-stopping amazing, as hilarious?
We make them, our kids. But more important, they make us. Better. Wiser. More humane.
Tell me - what's on YOUR mommy resume?
Scopophobia - [image: Scopophobia] One of the only shots I got of this howling water dog when I thought I would walk away with hundreds.
1 hour ago