I have WHAT WHERE??

I really want to watch the Biggest Loser. And American Idol. So I need to do a quick post tonight so I can get to my tivo. Because I love you. But not as much as I love Jillian.

You will be SO glad I found time to write this one. Just wait. Here goes.

So today I had my yearly appointment. You know what kind of yearly I'm talking about. I haven't seen my OB/GYN since I was 24 weeks pregnant with X. That's when I switched over to my midwife. Thing is, I really like my OB. Who I guess is now just a GYN. She saw me through my first two pregnancies, though she didn't deliver either of them.

I was sad when I left (not in a weird, overly-attached way to a woman who's seen more of me than my husband) because I trust and respect her. If she did home births, I'd totally want her there.

But she doesn't. So I moved on. I made her pinky swear assure me before I left that she'd take me back as a non-preggo patient again.

I wasn't looking forward to the appointment like I would a trip to the mall or something. But I had some things I wanted to discuss so I was anxious to go.

One of them was these bumps I can feel if I run my hands over the sides of my abdomen, basically from the area below my belly button outward toward my ribs. You can feel all these lumps which I assumed were small tumors of some rare, horrible disease.

My doctor felt the area.

She looked a little uncomfortable.

"I really hate to tell you this.." she said.

Panic! "What? WHAT?!?!"

"Well, the area just feels really rough..." she continued.

"And? AND?!?!"

Again, I could see she didn't want to break this particular news to me. She soldiered on.

"You've gained and lost quite a bit of weight through your three pregnancies. I think this is just a layer of fat under there."

"Really?" I said.

Then I thought for a second. I thought to where else on my body I had kind of bumpy skin. Like maybe the back of my thighs...HOLD THE PHONE!!

"Are you telling me," I said slowly, "that I have CELLULITE on my stomach??"

She nodded.

Look, internets. I can take the stretch marks, the back fat, the grey hairs that multiply like bacteria.

But cellulite? On my stomach? Are there no bounds to where this horrid substance will go? I mean, I don't carry much weight on my belly. I can even see muscles. But I now know the evil that lies beneath. OH THE HUMANITY!

It's just too much.

To console myself, I will grab the sorbet and watch the Biggest Loser - in other words, people with less cellulite than me!