Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I have WHAT WHERE??

I really want to watch the Biggest Loser. And American Idol. So I need to do a quick post tonight so I can get to my tivo. Because I love you. But not as much as I love Jillian.

You will be SO glad I found time to write this one. Just wait. Here goes.

So today I had my yearly appointment. You know what kind of yearly I'm talking about. I haven't seen my OB/GYN since I was 24 weeks pregnant with X. That's when I switched over to my midwife. Thing is, I really like my OB. Who I guess is now just a GYN. She saw me through my first two pregnancies, though she didn't deliver either of them.

I was sad when I left (not in a weird, overly-attached way to a woman who's seen more of me than my husband) because I trust and respect her. If she did home births, I'd totally want her there.

But she doesn't. So I moved on. I made her pinky swear assure me before I left that she'd take me back as a non-preggo patient again.

I wasn't looking forward to the appointment like I would a trip to the mall or something. But I had some things I wanted to discuss so I was anxious to go.

One of them was these bumps I can feel if I run my hands over the sides of my abdomen, basically from the area below my belly button outward toward my ribs. You can feel all these lumps which I assumed were small tumors of some rare, horrible disease.

My doctor felt the area.

She looked a little uncomfortable.

"I really hate to tell you this.." she said.

Panic! "What? WHAT?!?!"

"Well, the area just feels really rough..." she continued.

"And? AND?!?!"

Again, I could see she didn't want to break this particular news to me. She soldiered on.

"You've gained and lost quite a bit of weight through your three pregnancies. I think this is just a layer of fat under there."

"Really?" I said.

Then I thought for a second. I thought to where else on my body I had kind of bumpy skin. Like maybe the back of my thighs...HOLD THE PHONE!!

"Are you telling me," I said slowly, "that I have CELLULITE on my stomach??"

She nodded.

Look, internets. I can take the stretch marks, the back fat, the grey hairs that multiply like bacteria.

But cellulite? On my stomach? Are there no bounds to where this horrid substance will go? I mean, I don't carry much weight on my belly. I can even see muscles. But I now know the evil that lies beneath. OH THE HUMANITY!

It's just too much.

To console myself, I will grab the sorbet and watch the Biggest Loser - in other words, people with less cellulite than me!

17 comments:

JoAnn said...

This is awesome. Hilarious. OH, I mean, I feel so bad for you.
I haven't blogged tonight. American Idol sucks me in. And frankly I have a strict "If you don't have anything interesting to write, don't write" policy...or DO I?
Muwahahahah!
Your post is great though. Reminds me of my first time preggo friend who called me today to tell me in a panic that she (third trimester) gained eight pounds in twelve day. I laughed maniacally. It was the only thing to do.

kirsten said...

ummmmm, I think if you can feel the bumps, you're probably still doing ok. :)

Not that that is any comfort. Aaaah!

That explains why I still haven't *quite* made that appointment yet.

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

I am sorry to hear this. Hope you are okay. LOL

Please tell your friend to contact me. I would love to "talk" to her.

Ms Bibi said...

Good plan...sorbet and reality TV always helps me,lol

Pamela said...

Doll.... You poor thing! Get Jill's 30 Day Shred... OMFG!

the mombshell said...

I was watching the Biggest Loser last night nostalgic for last year when I was nine months pregnant and would watch it while eating a Skor Blizzard. Thems were the days! As for cellulite on your stomach, I am shocked, I've never heard of such a thing! I certainly have never had any on my stomach, my butt, my thighs, my eyeballs...

Andrea said...

LMAO...wait - I mean sorry Cheryl...but I'm still laughing. You can see your muscles - you're doing great - you're the only one who knows about the bumps...

Cheryl said...

JoAnn - I tivo AI and watch TBL, b/c there are WAY too many commercials on AI and I have no patience! As for having something interesting to say..in November I blogged every day. EVERY. DAY. That's when I realized how really fascinating I am. NOT!

Kirsten - I guess it's not the worst surprise I could've gotten..

Karen - Thanks!!

Ms Bibi - Love me my sorbet! And my reality tv too..

Pamela - I have the Shred - still haven't opened it tho! Hmm..

Mombshell - It IS shocking, you see?

Adelle said...

Oh, I laughed out loud.

In Pilates class this morning we were doing work on our sides and I was trying so hard to keep that loose belly skin from drooping down to the floor.

The stuff we have to go through.

Julie said...

Have to tell you, from your teases on twitter I expected it to be so much worse. I mean, ew and gross and everything, but I was so fearful something was left inside. So. There. That should make it a little better, right?

Salt said...

You are just like me...as soon as you find something that is even a little amiss, you automatically assumed you had some rare disease. I used to WebMD myself into a panic.

I'm so happy that you're otherwise ok. :) Mmmm sorbet.

anniebakes said...

stopping by from sits, hilarious! sounds like you need a drink, i'm serving up bloody mary's at my place if you have a chance to stop by! anne

www.anniebakes.net

Missy said...

Hi - I just stopped by via SITS and am laughing out loud. WITH YOU, not at you. I love my children, but the body they gave me? Hmph. Granted, some of my problems have very little to do with the kids, but I choose to blame them for everything anyway.

I relate to the "I-have-cancer-and-will-be-dead-by-Tuesday" reaction, too. If something looks funny, feels funny or hurts, I am dying. Why do I put myself (and my husband) through that?

Happy to have found your blog!

Cheryl said...

Andrea - Sure. Laugh at me in my hour of need.. ;)

Adelle - I feel your pain. Which is why I never do Pilates.

Salt - You can imagine what my mind came up with when I took Abnormal Psych in college..

Annie - Yes! A drink!

Missy - My mind needs little encouragement to jump head-first into worst-case scenarios! Thanks for stopping by!

CBernard said...

I say if you can feel or see MUSCLE at all you are fine :)
BTW - biggest loser peeps most definitely probably have more cellulite than you do...take comfort. (I do) and strangely I always eat while watching that show.

Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog said...

Ha! Girl, I've only had one pregnancy and now I think I see cellulite on my knees and elbows. Pregnancy was NOT kind to me. At all.

I actually don't watch the Biggest Loser (only because I'll feel really lazy) but if you like workout DVDS, you must check out Jillian Micheal's Shred DVD. Even her 20 minute workouts make me want to cry.

-Aimee

Hagler Happenings said...

Holy cow! You had me laughing at the computer. As I was reading I was feeling around... all I felt was my muffin top.

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