Yes is the hardest word

This is the final prompt from Momalom's Five for 10. It has been a great experience for me to have a chance to crack my literary knuckles. I've learned a lot about myself as a blogger, and I've also found a lot of other really tremendous blogs out there. If you haven't checked out the site, you should. You'll be amazed at what moms - and some dads - have to say. Today's topic is Yes.

My girlfriend Skype messaged me this morning.

It's like instant messaging, as opposed to using the cameras to chat. Which is a good thing. I mean, it WAS the morning, people, and my poor friend had been up working like a dog til 3 a.m. Although, I have two dogs, and all they seem to do is interrupt their lying around for the occasional ferocious barking at the UPS truck. So let's just say she was working really, really hard. Like maybe an ant. Now THEY are hard workers, judging by how tough it must be to find that one crumb left on the kitchen counter.

Okay, I'm sorry. Here's the point. She said she wished I wasn't still nursing. Not because she has a problem with it. It's just that she might be getting tickets to the Glee concert in Los Angeles. For this Thursday night. And she thought I might like to go. Did I mention they're VIP tickets?

And blogosphere, I considered it. I did.

I looked over at X. He has this little chair he inherited from his sister that he loves. So he's sitting there, chillin' with his sippy cup, and he looks at me and smiles, all dimples and crinkly eyes and startlingly white baby teeth.

I think, how can I say yes to the concert?

Because a Yes is in fact a No to him. He's nursed every night before bed for all but one of the 432 days he's been on earth. It's one of my favorite times, because the child is so busy during the day it's tough to get a quiet moment until bedtime. We snuggle. He tries to stick his finger up my nose or pull my lip down to my chin. Sometimes he pauses to point to the elephant painted on the wall. But he always settles back in, and I get to stroke his hair and whisper my dreams for him into his tiny perfect ear.

Then I'll ask him if he's ready for night-night, and he'll nod yes. I put him in his crib with his lovey, and he goes to sleep.

It's our routine. We both love it.

The only time I missed putting him to bed was when he was four weeks old and I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert. I pumped a couple bottles and David put him to bed. But since he was still waking every three hours or so, I nursed him when I got home. He hasn't had a bottle since.

So how can I go to this show knowing his world is going to be rocked?  He'll cry. He'll wail and scream and wonder what the hell is going on and where's his MAMA?!?!  And, you know, those things she has under her shirt.

Now, logically I realize he won't be scarred from one night without me. He'll be very upset, and then he'll stop or cry himself to sleep. Eventually. It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.

I have said "no" to a ton of stuff since X has come along. He's the first one I've successfully nursed past six months, but I've made some sacrifices in order to do that - whether it's food I can't eat, or places I can't go because of his nursing schedule:  No to volunteering in Sawyer's class. No to farm field trips to with Sage. No to cupcakes. No to beer. No to watching late afternoon Little League games. No to dinner parties. No to an early-morning running group.

I don't begrudge him these things. Not at all.

It's my job. As a mom. We put our needs second (if we're lucky. I think mine are somewhere behind the three kids but possibly ahead of the dogs). We do the best we can for them, even if it means missing out on things that are important to us or that we'd really, really dig.

I'm guessing this is why is it so hard for me to say yes to something I want, if it means saying no to my baby. Did I mention these are VIP tickets to Glee? I did?

I literally was in tears talking to David about it. He encouraged me to go. He knows I'm a total Gleek. And that I never do this kind of thing. He was not at all concerned about X, but dads don't get their heart wrenched out by the sound of their sweet baby sobbing like mothers do, you know?

While I waited outside Sawyer's classroom to get him after school, I told a couple of the other moms about the concert. It was funny. ALL of them told me to go, that X is 14 months old now so it's not like he needs to nurse for nourishment. That David can handle it.

They reminded me we do so much for our kids. We have to remember to do things for ourselves.

We have to say Yes.

Yes.