I know you mean well. Really, I do. It's just that when you ask when I'm due, and I say last week, it is not the time to say "Oh, you're not even that big."
Pardon me, but what the hell does that mean?? That I 1) must be lying 2) am not AT ALL uncomfortable or 3) am showing good restraint by not saying, "Why, were you a huge sloppy blimp at the end?"
Seriously. SHUT UP! I don't care how "small" you think I am. The fact is I have had a baby sitting in my crotch for the past few weeks. If you want to say something intelligent - and yes, since YOU are not pregnant, you actually have more than 1/3 of a functioning brain - how about "Oh, that sucks!" or "Hang in there!" or something sympathetic.
You're NOT THAT BIG?? Fuck you!!
Sorry. I'm just a bit cranky. See, I had both kids and my husband all healthy at THE SAME TIME! That lasted two days. Now this weekend, Sawyer's fever has ranged from 101 to 104. David also woke up this morning with a 101 fever and body aches. Sage's nose started to run this afternoon.
Clearly, this baby is not coming out. He's no fool. I don't even want to be in this house, why should he? I have been chasing everyone around, spraying all available surfaces with Lysol.
And then someone wipes boogers on the door handle.
So yeah, I'm clearly topping out on the crank-o-meter. But hey, on the bright side, at least I'm not that big! GAH!
BREAKING NEWS: Sage woke up from her nap with a - wait for it.... - 104.1 fever!!
The reason this child is not coming out is because he clearly senses the pestilence swirling around on the outside. And his answer is HELL NO.
Let's see: David spent three nights on the futon because the first night he had a fever, the second night a sore throat and a cough, and the third because he claimed he was still sick but it was really so he could continue watching the first season of Heroes in peace.
Last night I ordered him back into our bed. He then awoke with his eyes all crusty and swollen and now has a mild case of pink eye.
And my friend/neighbor who is supposed to take pictures of the birth has been cooped up for about a week with her three sick and contagious kids, and she also has a little touch of the plague. And then my next-door neighbor who is always ready to help out has pneumonia.
What next? Locusts?
Meanwhile, my midwife came over yesterday and this baby has dropped so much that his next stop will be the floor if we don't catch him. She will be back next week (when I'm 40 weeks, 4 days pregnant) and will take some measures. I will spare you the details, other than she will also send me to an acupuncturist. Then she left to go visit her client who is TEN days past-due.
One last thing. Please do me a favor: if you see me in person, DO NOT ask if I am still pregnant. Because I will slap you. I have no tolerance at this point, and really? REALLY??? Do I always walk around with a freakin' blimp under my shirt? Oh, and while you're at it, it doesn't make me feel better to hear "but you don't LOOK that big."