Saturday, September 06, 2008

The Best Things in Life are Three. Right?

I thought I was in perimenopause. I really did. I googled. I read. I matched symptoms.

I mean, really, what else could it be?

This is what I told my friend on the phone over 4th of July weekend. Maybe I also mentioned that I had a tough time getting through my 8 miler a few days before, and that a three miler almost killed me that morning.

I'm sure I told her I was six days late, but after being five days late the month before, surely this meant I was, you know, getting old?

That's when she suggested the P word to me. I believe I said something profound in return, possibly Fuck Off.

But I did drive down the street to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. The kind that says Pregnant or Not Pregnant. I waited until Sage was down for her nap and David took Sawyer to the park to learn to ride his bike without training wheels.

Who knew I'd be the one unable to keep my balance.

I peed. I laughed to myself. Then I looked at the stick.


GAAH! Yes. That was my exact word.

No more denial. I was almost six weeks pregnant. With my third.

I had to sit down. This was not supposed to happen. I mean, I know HOW it happened, but the timing...let's just say it didn't seem possible. But there I was.

Happy? Not at all. I was in, possibly, the best shape of my life. I had just run my second marathon the month before. I was going to run my third in December.

I turn 40 soon after that race. I was going to enter the next decade strong and fit and ready to go back to the Cayman Islands for a little child-free R&R with David to celebrate.

That was my vision.

So let's just say it's taking me awhile to wrap my head around the change in plans.

Everything was turned upside down.

Sawyer and Sage are finally at the age where they don't need me so much. They play together. They can get dressed. They're potty trained.

I'm SO done with the baby phase. I had no interest in entering it again.

Then there's the issue of logistics. Where would we put the baby in our tiny house? We'd already outgrown it with the four of us. How would we afford another college tuition? Forget retirement. David will be 62 when this kid is 18.

It just didn't seem real. Soon the relentless nausea and fatigue set in. As did the worry; once you've had a miscarriage, you never really feel comfortable that the pregnancy will stick.

I went in for an ultrasound a couple days after the positive test and, to my surprise, saw a strong, fast heartbeat.

The weeks went on. My training partners started to increase their distances. I couldn't keep up. I watched them, through tears, as they ran ahead of me, til they were out of sight. Soon, they decided to run near their homes. I haven't run since.

A big part of my life for the past couple years, the thing that had finally made me feel like more than "just a mom," had ended.

Now what?

A couple weeks ago I took the kids with my to my 12-week checkup. I had just told them that I had a baby in my tummy. They were beyond excited. So we went, and their eyes widened when they heard that distinctive "wockawockawocka" of the heartbeat.

They have been astonishingly sweet. Sage kisses my belly and, when she fell off our bed the other day, she cried and fearfully asked "Did I scare the baby?" Sawyer talks to it and asks if he can hold the baby when it's born.

He also asked whether my stomach would crack in half for the baby to come out. Imagine his expression when I told him exactly frow where it would enter the world.

So I will live though their wonder. I will remember that the creation of life is a miracle and a blessing. I will remind myself that soon we will not be able to imagine our family without No. 3.

Another journey. Not the one I had planned, but sometimes, those are the best trips of all.


PinkDawn said...

I'm glad you're finally out of the closet! Somehow I knew after that last MC that you'd still end up knocked up again. :) I'm feeling "girl"- how about you?

Kelli/Plangirl said...

Well, congratulations, you! I certainly understand why you are a little off balance, but you will look back and wonder why you were so worried and not be able to imagine your life without the little muffin. And then you will get back to being the MILF I am sure you are! :> And what a lovely gift for Sawyer and Sage.

And by the way, I guessed this after your last note. I agree with pinkdawn, I assumed after your MC that you would be there again.

Hugs to you, mama!

DancingQueen said...

Love the post; so honest! And you're right, soon you won't be able to remember life without this third special little person. How's this for honesty: when dh found out we're expecting no. 5 he said, "Why us? We're terrible parents." LOL

Amy said...

I also assumed this was the news, and while I am so happy for you, I totally understand the position from which you are coming. If my life would have went my way, I would be a mommy to one happily adjusted, adorable, absolutely angelic, perfect little child who would be going on 7 or 8 right now, instead of twin daughters (although close to perfect ... lol) who are almost 3. Peter will be 60 when they turn 18 ... not really what we had planned for.

You are a great mom as well as a great individual and believe it or not, that individual will be there waiting to stand front and center yet again ... likely sooner than you think.

Congratulations sweetie ...

kirsten said...

First, congrats!

I am so familiar with all the feelings you soooo articulately expressed. From one who is on the other side of that 3rd pregnancy, you have got it spot on: the magic of sharing it with 2 little ones is a totally new thing.

I know you're a Mom 101 reader, she did an amazing blog a few weeks ago about how you come to love the next one, no matter what. Fuggabboutit - it'll be great. ;)

Just J said...

Congratulations! I also suspected you were pg, and worried if you weren't pg what else might be keeping you down, so I admit I was relieved to read in fact you were pg! Thanks for sharing all that, especially the anecdotes about Sawyer and Sage - could they be any cuter? Wishing you an easy pg & delivery. Speaking of, any chance you might do a planned home birth this time?

Annie said...

Delurking to Congratulate you!! I found your blog from MWS and love the way you write and the stories you tell.
Isn't it funny how these little ones sneak up on us when we are least expecting it? They obviously know something we don't!
Best wishes to you!

Janine said...

Congrats Cheryl!! I am glad you are able to share the great news now. I hope you a feeling MUCH, MUCH better. You are about 4 weeks behind me so I look forward to following our pregnancy journeys together for a second time. CONGRATS!

Swirvin said...

Congratulations Cheryl! How adorable Sage and Sawyer are already with their newest little sibling - sounds like you'll have two terrific helpers.

And I wouldn't worry too much about your condition. I am sure J.Lo has a gaggle of personal trainers helping her get ready for her post partum triathalon but I bet you a few months after giving birth, you will be able to whip her butt any day.

Mely said...

I too had the feeling that you were pregnant and was waiting for the 3 months mark to let us know!

CONGRATS...don't worry you will be back running as soon as you pop that one.

Sage and Sawyer are the sweetest siblings ever!

Remember God has a plan and at the end it works out perfect!


Julie said...

"Another journey. Not the one I had planned, but sometimes, those are the best trips of all."

Amen to that. And a big congratulations to you and your family.


Oh, and I still expect to hear future stories of your latest marathon conquests. ;-)

Melissa said...

My friend, I hope you know how completely and utterly happy I am for you and your family. :) I think this adventure will be a wonderful thrill ride for all of you!


Wendy said...

Girl, you'll still be the most fit and fabulous 40-year-old I know! I am soooo happy for you guys (and still keep trying to convince Wes it would be awesome to be pregnant at the same time as you... no news, yet, but I'm still working on him). ;) And BTW, Sage and Sawyer's responses to the baby news made me cry. :) Happy b-day to Sage tomorrow!

Kristy said...

Congratulations!!!! I, too, wondered if this wouldn't be the news you were waiting to share!

Believe me, I completely understand your feelings. If I were in your shoes, I would feel exactly the same way. But, I know that once you see that perfect little bundle of joy, you'll forget ever feeling this way. Plus, you are going to have 2 great little helpers this go around!

BTW....I remember your post awhile back about holding onto some of the baby things for sentimental value. I hope you didn't discard ALL of your baby gear!!! :)

caroline said...

Congratulations! You are such a great writer, I could read and reread this 5 times. Having just turned 40 recently I can relate to much of this....

Thanks for sharing!

Dorothy said...

Congratulations! I shed tears after reading your post. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy.

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